Blogging Death – My Journey to Becoming a Death Doula
Death Perception
I’ve never shied away from death. There are times when it’s made me uncomfortable, and certainly times it’s made me sad, but it’s never been something that sends me running in the other direction. On the contrary, the moments I’ve spent with those in their final days contain some of the gifts for which I am the most grateful in my life.
It is a profound honor to be with the dying. Events unfold in those quiet moments that, while steeped in the inescapable grief of finality, illuminate some of the most raw, tender and profound moments we will ever know.
Consider our world today. For many of us, the prospect of death is not the constant shadow it was for humans in eras past. The fact that death has been fought, in many ways, as the ultimate enemy has left us with a disproportionate understanding of our own mortality. We have lost touch with the notion that our bodies are simultaneously vibrant, vital, and fragile no matter how invincible we may feel. Death can come in any moment, in any way. This is a truth that none of us can escape.
The point is not to live in constant fear, or focus your entire existence on how you will surely one day die, but rather to embrace this understanding as a unifying force that unites us all despite the fact that we will each have to manage this passage in our own way.
To lose the connection with our own mortality has a ripple effect into all areas of our lives. Those precious moments that come about as someone lies on their deathbed often come as a result of an unavoidable acceptance that the end is near. But what if we carried the understanding of our own limited time in such a way that we did the things we need to do, said the things we need to say, in the moment rather than waiting until the end?
Would you change the way you live today with the knowledge that you, or someone you love, could be gone tomorrow? Would you change your priorities? Treat the person making your latte differently? Would you embrace the knowledge of your own short timespan on this earth with a renewed sense of wonder and awe, the awareness that through the lens of certain finality our most precious priorities come into focus?
If the answer is yes, I encourage you to consider the ways you’d like to live your life differently, to make meaning in this landscape that is anything but permanent. Coming to terms with our own finite lifespan has a way of recalibrating our values, honing our intentions and razing the extraneous noise that clouds our daily lives.
In studies across cultures, the number one regret that people list when they face death is that they didn’t have the courage to live the life they knew they were meant for. Changing the way we perceive death can start with simply accepting the fact that it is something we will all experience. We don’t know when and we don’t know how. How can we use this information to then carve out the life we want to have while we are here on this plane? How can the certainty of our own finite experience be used as fuel to create the life we want to live, to be the person we want to be?
As is so often said among those who work with the dying, a good death starts with a good life. That can mean a million different things to a million different people. Forget societal values around what it means to be happy or successful. A good life can mean having a corner in your home to make your own pottery. It can mean taking the time to really bask in nature. It can also mean loving your job as a hedge fund manager, if that is what brings you joy. The point is to find whatever the things are that make your heart sing, and have the courage to invest in those parts of yourself wholeheartedly, no matter what others may think of them.
Yes, we all have to clean the house, do our taxes, and take care of the more mundane tasks that life involves. But taking the time – taking A LOT of time — to soak in the things that make us vibrate with happiness, positivity and possibility, that is the difference between living a life and a life well lived.
Blogging Death is a series reflecting the events, thoughts and feelings that come up as I take the steps toward becoming a death doula, a person in a non-medical role who supports people whose death is near and their loved ones. Death doulas may have their own areas of expertise, ranging from household taskmaster to legal advisor to spiritual or religious support.
I welcome any questions or ideas that readers may have for future blog posts. Thank you for taking a few moments to dive into an area many of us spend our time trying to avoid. Blessed Be.